You know it's funny. Sometimes, you get to the end of a program, and your insecurities kick in and you think "how the hell am I going to be a nurse?"
I'm not sure how. I often think I'm the most incompetent human to walk the face of the Earth. But I need a job that pays ok, and I care about people, and especially about health, and people tell me I'll be an excellent midwife, and maybe an ok nurse, as long as I'm careful about the jobs I pick. But in this economy, who can be careful about the jobs they pick? Do I have the choice to "pick" a job?
I wish I knew how to get paid for doula work. It seems like only broke people have babies, and I can't ask a broke momma to pay me. I'd love to be teaching childbirth education and getting paid doula clients, but I'll likely be working long-term care for a few years, which is ok too, as long as I find a better way to deal with stress. It's hard to watch people with dementia struggle to understand where they are, and why we have to do the things we have to do to them (even bathing a person with dementia can be a struggle,) and I frequently feel like a cruel person for doing things against a person's will, even when they are so demented they don't know what they want. I guess I'll get over that.
In Kaplan Review class today, we where talking about restraints, both physical and pharmalogical, and I was having a hard time even thinking about putting someone in restraints, even though I know at times it is necessary. Maybe I need to have some kids so I'm more callused about doing things to people who don't know what is best for them? I don't know. I feel like working in long term care for a few years could be very good for me, since I really need to learn my meds, inside and out, yet I feel terrible being the "med nurse." We know that polypharma is very dangerous and detrimental, yet, look what we do to our elderly. But maybe I can make peace with my distrust of most meds, and get over my feelings of wrongness about giving many patients somewhere between 10 and 20 different meds.
On top of endless ethical dilemmas, trying to study for my boards and apply for my New York State Nursing License (which easily transfers to Indiana, once I move there,) I'm trying to prepare to move to Ander's farm, possibly named "Work in Progress Farm."
And I feel very unsettled about all of that as well. I love Anders, and I love some aspects of farm life; but I never pictured myself as a farm wife, or at least not in recent years. I've seen my parents struggle with farming my whole life, and I know that, for most farmers, good years are pretty good, but bad years are really bad, poverty is a very real issue for farmers, and a lot of kids who grow up on farms got this advice from their parents "get out while you still can!"
On the other hand, rural life and farm life is what I know, what I'm comfortable with. I think it is a privilege that I grew up that way, considering that less then 2% of the kids in this country grow up that way anymore, when once-upon-a-time, this was a farming nation. I want my children to have fresh air, fresh water, and fresh, organic food. I want to live in a way that is less destructive then many other lifestyles I can picture. I want to teach my children about edible wild foods, and to not fear the woods, to love nature, to respect the planet they inhabit. But I'm a lazy creature, and farming is a hard thing to do if you are, by nature, a couch potato.
But I realize that I'm happiest when I'm forcing myself not to be lazy, when I'm busy from dawn to dusk, when I'm working hard, in the sun, using all my muscles, sweating all day long, using critical thinking skills to irrigate crops, or build a chicken coop from scrape materials, or what have you. Maybe all people kind of want to be lazy, but it is more satisfying, often, to live a life that is busy and full of accomplishments.
Well, nursing doesn't have to be an ethical dilemma either, I suppose. There should be a job, among the plethora of nursing jobs available, which would fit with my ethics, for the most part, and not cause me too much anxiety. I've been thinking a lot about finding work at a low-income health clinic, or maybe a hospice house? I've got to get in somewhere; bills that have been piling up for years now are starting to get out of control; life isn't free, especially when you've got student loans up to your eyeballs....
I'm going to visit Healing Spirits Herb Farm this evening to clear my head and gain some perspective.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Welcome to my blog!!!
It has been a seriously long time since I've written anything here, and a lot has occurred since then! I need to seriously revisit this blog, and do a lot of updating. Lets see; my life is full and busy, as always (I wouldn't have it any other way!) I'm just finishing up LPN school, with my goal still being to become a homebirth midwife eventually (lots of loans and higher education later,) and I've met the man who is my male counterpart (seriously Anders, could we be more alike?,) and I'm planning a big move out to Beanblossom Indiana, to my sweethearts' farm.
I also have a few doula clients due before I leave. I'm sitting on pins and needles, praying nobody goes into labor during my graduation ceremony or during my last few hours in clinical at nursing school! Somehow, it seems, everything works out. But most of the time, it seems like some type of miracle!
And what will I do in Beanblossom Indiana? My boyfriend's farm is currently off the grid, meaning there is no electricity, no running water, no plumbing, no modern conveniences. My nursing school classmates where teasing me about becoming "Amish," which is not too far from the truth! We are embarking on a grand experiment, to see just how "green" we can live. I hate the term "green" by the way, I'm only using it because it is such a widely used term that people kind of understand. Maybe a better term to use would be how low impact we can live, or how low carbon we can get away with? I honestly don't like any of those terms, because all of them are now being used by large businesses to sell more stuff, which is not helping our environment, but anyway, I digress.
Anders and I will be living with several other families on his 36 acre farm, and trying to raise our own food (meat, eggs, milk, fruits and veggies,) and also have extra to take to market. We will be building our own house, which frankly, scares the dickens out of me (I've never built anything,) but I'm also excited to make it from materials right on the farm, maybe make it like a hobbit house, by digging into a hillside, or perhaps out of cob, or a straw bale structure? We aren't sure yet, I feel like we need to do a bit more research, and really figure out what will work best in Indiana weather. But the possibilities are endless, for the house, and our lives.
In the meantime, Anders and I will probably be purchasing a school bus to live in, so we have a dry place until our permanent house is finished. We will rig up some type of solar shower, and a composting toilet, a greenhouse, shacks to house animals, but I know all of this will take time, and it may be years before we are living really comfortably.
Besides helping with numerous farm projects, I will need to get at least a part-time job as nurse. I have a LOT of federal loans to pay back, from Birthingway College of Midwifery, and now, also, from Marion S Whelan School of Practical Nursing, and besides that, we won't be living completely bill-free. I will have my phone bill, car insurance, gas for my car, any medical expenses for my cats and myself, food (until the farm is fully operational, which may take years, some of our food will be purchased,) and of course, all the other random expenses which are too numerous to list here. As time goes on, we hope to become more the more self-sufficient, but I am realistic and I know it will take years and years to be truly "self-sufficient." Well, we will never be 100% self-sufficient, but even coming close will take a long time, I'm sure. (Unless one of us wins a lottery or something.)
Anyway, lots of exciting things to look forward to! I'm also looking forward to going on in school, attending more births, having babies of my own, and getting married! I will never be bored, that is the one thing I'm certain of!
Well, I've got to go meet with a doula client!!!
I also have a few doula clients due before I leave. I'm sitting on pins and needles, praying nobody goes into labor during my graduation ceremony or during my last few hours in clinical at nursing school! Somehow, it seems, everything works out. But most of the time, it seems like some type of miracle!
And what will I do in Beanblossom Indiana? My boyfriend's farm is currently off the grid, meaning there is no electricity, no running water, no plumbing, no modern conveniences. My nursing school classmates where teasing me about becoming "Amish," which is not too far from the truth! We are embarking on a grand experiment, to see just how "green" we can live. I hate the term "green" by the way, I'm only using it because it is such a widely used term that people kind of understand. Maybe a better term to use would be how low impact we can live, or how low carbon we can get away with? I honestly don't like any of those terms, because all of them are now being used by large businesses to sell more stuff, which is not helping our environment, but anyway, I digress.
Anders and I will be living with several other families on his 36 acre farm, and trying to raise our own food (meat, eggs, milk, fruits and veggies,) and also have extra to take to market. We will be building our own house, which frankly, scares the dickens out of me (I've never built anything,) but I'm also excited to make it from materials right on the farm, maybe make it like a hobbit house, by digging into a hillside, or perhaps out of cob, or a straw bale structure? We aren't sure yet, I feel like we need to do a bit more research, and really figure out what will work best in Indiana weather. But the possibilities are endless, for the house, and our lives.
In the meantime, Anders and I will probably be purchasing a school bus to live in, so we have a dry place until our permanent house is finished. We will rig up some type of solar shower, and a composting toilet, a greenhouse, shacks to house animals, but I know all of this will take time, and it may be years before we are living really comfortably.
Besides helping with numerous farm projects, I will need to get at least a part-time job as nurse. I have a LOT of federal loans to pay back, from Birthingway College of Midwifery, and now, also, from Marion S Whelan School of Practical Nursing, and besides that, we won't be living completely bill-free. I will have my phone bill, car insurance, gas for my car, any medical expenses for my cats and myself, food (until the farm is fully operational, which may take years, some of our food will be purchased,) and of course, all the other random expenses which are too numerous to list here. As time goes on, we hope to become more the more self-sufficient, but I am realistic and I know it will take years and years to be truly "self-sufficient." Well, we will never be 100% self-sufficient, but even coming close will take a long time, I'm sure. (Unless one of us wins a lottery or something.)
Anyway, lots of exciting things to look forward to! I'm also looking forward to going on in school, attending more births, having babies of my own, and getting married! I will never be bored, that is the one thing I'm certain of!
Well, I've got to go meet with a doula client!!!
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